FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE: IDENTIFYING & DEALING WITH GASLIGHTING AT WORK
APRIL 2023
In recent years, the term gaslighting has entered the public lexicon after this toxic behaviour became better identified and understood in personal and romantic relationships. Less well-understood, is the fact that gaslighting is also a popular game played by bullies and narcissists in the workplace, and that this has a devastating impact on both the individual victim, as well as the culture and performance of teams and businesses, a leadership expert says.
“Very few people – if indeed any – can claim that they have never felt stressed or anxious as a result of challenging workplace relationships. Most working professionals have to manage complex relationships on the daily – perhaps with a colleague who is a jerk, with difficult clients or a boss that falls short in the compassionate leadership department,” says Debbie Goodman, bestselling author and CEO at Jack Hammer Global, Africa’s largest executive search firm.
“These are normal challenges that come with the territory. However gaslighting is a uniquely damaging attack on an individual, and few people are able to correctly identify whether they are a victim of gaslighting, and even less able to deal decisively with this behaviour,” she says.
Goodman says gaslighting is hard to identify and pinpoint, because it is usually quite covert and, by its nature, intended to confuse and make the victim question their sanity.
“An abusive boss or co-worker who shouts, bullies and throws their toys is easy to spot, but gaslighting is more calculated and subtle, less overt and flies under the radar. It’s sneaky, sometimes hard to prove, and to make the situation much harder, the manipulative behaviour very often doesn’t break any policies or rules.”
It’s important for those facing severe toxicity at work to determine whether they are indeed a victim of gaslighting, says Goodman, as the consequences can be severe and life-changing if not identified and dealt with.
“Gaslighting can make you physically ill, with research showing higher risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke and diabetes linked to victims. It can also leave lasting emotional scars and make you more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. Similar to PTSD, dealing with the fallout from gaslighting can take years to resolve, as the impact doesn’t just stay at work, but spills over into the rest of your life.”
Some key indicators of gaslighting include the following:
Gaslighters seek to manipulate and control you, by making you question your reality. You may feel confused or unsure of yourself, and doubt your own abilities, judgment, and memory. Gaslighting can make you feel like you are losing your mind, or like you are the only one who sees the truth.
You feel like you are walking on eggshells. If you feel like you have to be constantly vigilant and careful about what you say or do in order to avoid triggering your abuser’s anger or criticism, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
You feel powerless and helpless, as if there is nothing you can do to change your situation. Regardless of what you try to do differently, you remain the target of criticism and blame.
You constantly feel defensive as all faults are projected onto you. During interactions, gaslighters sow confusion with long circular arguments that don’t seem to make sense – but they present them with such authority that you begin to question yourself.
The first line of defence on the way to taking back power and addressing gaslighting behaviour, is to start DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING.
“Whatever your next steps, documenting everything will help you start to understand the situation better and embark on the healing journey, while also providing supporting evidence should you escalate the matter. From now on, start keeping notes, recording conversations, including witnesses in meetings, and recapping email conversations while including others in the trail.
“This makes it harder for them to deny, lie or backpedal, and also, importantly, sends out a strong message that you are on to them.”
Goodman adds that now is the time to build your support network as well as outside interests so as not to let the gaslighting dominate your life.
“Additionally, ensure that you reduce contact with the perpetrator as much as possible while building new relationships with other leaders in the organisation.”
The biggest questions in terms of strategy, are whether to directly confront the abuser and escalate the matter.
“Abusers should be confronted with extreme caution, given that they are likely to be master manipulators and highly unlikely to admit fault. If the gaslighter feels their reputation is at risk, they will go to extreme lengths to cover themselves, which could exacerbate the situation.”
Another question is whether to escalate the matter.
“Reporting someone for gaslighting is a serious decision that should be made carefully and with consideration of all of the factors involved. It’s important to seek support and guidance from trusted colleagues, friends, or mental health professionals before approaching HR, and to prioritise your own well-being and safety throughout the process. Also be sure to understand the company’s policies, previous handling of similar situations, as well as the weight of your evidence,” says Goodman.
Unfortunately, these types of corporate bullies are such deft manipulators, that addressing the situation may backfire, leaving you in an even worse situation, she says.
“And then, the best – possibly only – solution is to leave. If the organisation does not address this effectively, then your departure is inevitable – so start making plans for an exit.”